Swirling and Whirling

Firstly I have to say thank you. Thank you to all my on-line friends for your words of love and support. And thank you to my off-line friends for all your hugs, emails, and endless cups of tea.

This has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life. The Geneticist threw up more questions than answers. My head is swirling and every time I try to think of something else, I eventually come crashing back down to this dark unknown road all over again. As those of you who know me by now, know I’m a type A, list-upon-list, micro-managing, uber organising kinda gal. Having what I deem the most important parts of my life out of my control is like not being able to wake up from a nightmare.

It’s not just that I have a rare chromosomal disorder anymore. In between getting the tests done and being called in urgently for the results, I found out I was pregnant. Delirious and determined, I absolutely believed this baby would stay. Three miscarriages was just bad luck, and my luck was going to change. And then the shocking news that it wasn’t bad luck at all. It was bad chromosomes.

So now this doesn’t just affect my beautiful girls, it also affects my unborn child – my dream third baby that I have fought and grieved so hard over. And this is what I know. I have a 40% chance of losing it. If I don’t (and these days tick by slower than purgatory as I try and notch up enough weeks to make it more and more viable) I have a 50% chance of having a healthy girl or boy (with my good X chromosome). But I have a 50% chance of having a baby with my defected X chromosome. If a girl, she (and my two girls who we have not tested yet) have a 10% chance of having fertility and ovarian dysfunction. This ranges from the pretty bad (what I have) to the bloody devastatingly awful (no eggs, no ovaries and no prospect of natural puberty). I can’t even take my head there. If it’s a boy, because of where the chromosome break is, they suspect he would have significant learning (and possible physical) disabilities. I don’t even know where to begin trying to figure out what I even think about all this. All day nausea (a good sign, right?) is draining me pretty low, not leaving much for this, the biggest thing I’ve ever had to deal with.

I write this because A) it helps to get it out, and if I repeat it enough it might start to make sense to me, and B) because I might be a bit distracted over the coming weeks and withdraw a lttle from my beloved writing world and women.

While I don’t want this to take over my life – I have two beautiful girls to raise and an unborn child to nuture – I need to take time and space to work through this. So please forgive my silence while I try and deal with this. The other possibility of course, is you’ll have to forgive my endless witterings – I don’t know which way it will go yet.

So thank you again, to all my virtual and physical friends – I couldn’t do this without you.

About Grin & Tonic by Alana Kirk

Bouncing into middle age armed with courage, ambition and a pair of tweezers (chin hairs for anyone over the age of 45 reading this) I am a writer with a mission: to redefine this midway point in my life when the last thing I want to do is hang up my high heels and become invisible. This is the end of the beginning, not the beginning of the end. A single mum to 3 fabulous girls, an author, and a fundraising consultant, both ends of my candle are on fire. As I enter this new stage of my life, I want to explore what it means for 'mid-aged' women today, who were promised they could have it all, ended up doing it all, and just do not identify with the traditional image of middle age.
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12 Responses to Swirling and Whirling

  1. Hayley says:

    I cant say I know what your going through because I dont. I am thinking about you hun and sending you big virtual hugs, you and the unborn will be in my prayers tonight 🙂

    Like

  2. Josie says:

    I don't know what to say my love.

    Thinking of you, so much, and sending you all the good wishes and positive thoughts I can muster.

    Here for you, to listen to your witterings, any time.

    xxxxxx

    Like

  3. Caz says:

    From one mummy to another I send you my love and any support I can offer. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling – but I know how protective and determined I am with my own girls – and how my heart aches for their pain. If you feel the need to write I think there are many here to be ears for you. Sending all my positive vibes and prayer your way over the coming weeks.

    Like

  4. Foodie Mummy says:

    Hello. I can only sound like the comments you have gotten already. All my love and big big hugs for you and the little baby growing daily. I do not know what it feels like but anytime you need it, don't hesitate to put it in words. I will be here to read your words and hopefully provide you with a bit of support (if only virtual). Hang in there, little baby..

    Like

  5. Mary says:

    I'm so glad you shared this with us. I really really get that place of uncertainty, fear, and hope all mixed together. I'm sending love and lots of positive thoughts that this little baby will hold on and that all will be ok.

    Like

  6. Oh good luck, what can you do other than pat your tummy, hug your girls & hope. Statistics are twisted, you can skew them to your dreams or prepare yourself for the worst. Pregnancy does have a time limit, so you have a date to focus on, no doubt, with a dozen other medical appointments. There could be amazing new finds in the genetic world in the future & there are other ways of becoming a mother (for your girls) other than having your own natural offspring, not to mention human growth hormones for pubity. That probably over simplifies everything & is my small bit of knowledge on the subject. Wishing you all the best & hope. Thanks for sharing & know those of us who have children issue free, we know we are incredibly lucky & don't take a minute of it for granted. Love Posie

    Like

  7. Diney says:

    I can't add anything else as the others have said it all,they really have. Good luck and lots of cyber hugging xx Don't feel alone as you have many friends here.

    Like

  8. Miranda says:

    Alana, you and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

    Like

  9. solveig says:

    Hello

    I've been following your blog and wanted to say that I'm thinking of you and have sent you a little sunshine award from my blog, which may seem trivial, given what you are going through, but I hope it works for you.

    S x

    Like

  10. Thinking of you and can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling. Do what you need to do to get through each day and just know that everyone is here for you no matter what x

    Like

  11. Mummy mania says:

    thank you so much everyone – your words mean so much. Really trying to focus on the positive – will deal with whatever else I have to deal with when and if it happens.

    Like

  12. Sending you love and prayers from the bottom of my heart.

    Like

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