For someone who never wanted the traditional family life, I sure as hell pursued it with a passion. In my youth, I craved excitement, not commitment; I sought travel, not stability; I choose freedom, not responsibility. But then I met someone who made my world turn on its axis – someone who was following all these paths too it has to be said – and somehow together we wanted something different. Something more.
And so, before I really knew what was happening, I became a wife, and a mother and – still shaking my head in disbelief – a stay at home mum. I went from travelling to Iraq to witness the impact of the oil-for-food programme on children with UNICEF, to travelling to the toilet to witness the impact of date and banana smoothie on my children. And although it took me time to adapt, despite the shock, it actually felt like coming home. It felt right.
So how suddenly has my life become so wrong? Two days ago I lost my 5th baby, my third miscarriage. How did I go from the person who had two glorious girls, just like that, without really thinking, blinking or winking an eye. And then the next page turned in my book of life but this chapter feels like it’s been ripped out of another book and doesn’t belong to me. It doesn’t feel right.
How can I go from happy new mum to two toddlers to woman with 3 miscarriages in 18 months? How did I go from mad mum with two glorious girls to devastated woman with three terrible tragedies? I’ve now had more miscarriages than children and I have no idea how that happened. How did this happen? Why did this happen? How have I become this person? Why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why oh why? I am writing this because my anger has consumed my grief. I have cried so much for my last two losses (cruelly, my last baby was due this week) and now, to be devastated and disappointed again is too much. How can I turn back the page to the woman who had it all and no fear about having another baby? I don’t want to be this woman who is scared, and unsure, and lost, and bereft, and desperate, and disappointed, and shocked. For someone who never wanted the traditional life, I now need it more than anything in the world – I desperately need a happy ending.
Oh shit honey I am so sorry. I am still in mourning from my own miscarriage last month so I know how you feel. Can only offer virtual hugs. xx
alana,that is terrible and i completely feel where you are now. i have lost more than i have, too. it's ok to to feel what you feel right now, and believe it or not, it's a healthy part of the process of grieving.
more than one miscarriage is particularly heartbreaking because the hope and dependence on each following one is higher than the one before. and the devastation is the bottom of that rollercoaster height.
you'll be alright, even as you miss them forever. be well. and hug those girls and let them love you now.
Ah – what can one say? Poor you – such grief to deal with. Take lots of care of yourself and take things easy.
Hello, I found your blog through Kate's blog.
I am so sorry for the loss of your babies.
I wish you peace and many blessings.