ungodly ways

It’s at times like these, I wished I believed in a god. Then I could shout and rant at him / her / it for the horribleness of my life right now. I do believe in the power of prayer (postive thought anyway), the spirituality of goodness and the shock and awe of nature. She / he / it should be admired, praised, recognised everywhere, and of course as we’ve seen in the last couple of days, respected.

But I can hardly blame the wind and the rain for my current troubles. Forgetting the fact my mum had a massive stroke that devastated her life – and mine, and the fact I am struggling with a new baby, let me list just a little of the crap that the universe has thrown my way the last 5 months that have left me feeling shattered:

  • mastitus – twice
  • gum infections – twice
  • snowed in – twice
  • chest infections – you got it, twice times 3 girls
  • a week in hospital with my baby on oxygen and a feeding tube
  • car breakdown in pouring rain and two kids and baby in car
  • a leaking roof
  • 10 nights out of 165 with 6 hours sleep (the rest were far less)
  • weeks with the girls, weekends with my mum

and now…. to cap it all… the baby has a vomitting and diarrhea bug. I had to abandon my visit to mum as I was so busy wiping up Ruby’s vomit I had no time to sit with her. So at this point in the game, I’d be shouting up at it / her / him to GIVE ME A BREAK!

I have always been rather optimistic. Definitely a half-glass full girl. I am struggling at this stage to find anything in the glass at all. I even find it hard to believe that something won’t happen to stop us going on holiday tomorrow – to Morocco (yes I know, but we booked pre- facebook revolutions!). So instead I will say instead, I’m off on holiday tomorrow for ten days togetherness with my family – volcanic ash / uprising and rebellion / sick children notwithstanding.

But just when I think my life cannot get any worse – and I have felt this so many times recently and then it did – I turn on the news and know I am lucky. I may feel at times that my ground is shaking beneath my feet, but for those poor people in Japan yesterday for whom it really did they had no escape. I may feel swept away by the magnitude of the challenges facing me at the moment, but for those poor people who were swept away by the sheer force of nature they had no chance of ever overcoming it. My life is hard at the moment – harder than I ever thought possible – but there is no-one to blame. It is just life, in all it’s wonderful and cruel forms. And while there are days I struggle to get through, I am reminded by these terrible events in Japan that at least there will be another day for me. And I wish I believed in a god so I could thank her / it / him.

About Grin & Tonic by Alana Kirk

Bouncing into middle age armed with courage, ambition and a pair of tweezers (chin hairs for anyone over the age of 45 reading this) I am a writer with a mission: to redefine this midway point in my life when the last thing I want to do is hang up my high heels and become invisible. This is the end of the beginning, not the beginning of the end. A single mum to 3 fabulous girls, an author, and a fundraising consultant, both ends of my candle are on fire. As I enter this new stage of my life, I want to explore what it means for 'mid-aged' women today, who were promised they could have it all, ended up doing it all, and just do not identify with the traditional image of middle age.
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5 Responses to ungodly ways

  1. It's really tough for you at the minute but life will get better. Have a lovely, relaxing holiday with your family in Morocco – you deserve it.


  2. I hope you got away on your holiday today. You deserve to have an absolutely amazing time.


  3. cath c says:

    it's terrible and makes us appreciate so much, doesn't it? cookies are on their way, promise. things have gotten terribly busy 'round here…will attempt for early this week with the us mail.


  4. I hope you had a wonderful holiday Alana. As a very wise person once said, 'this too will pass'. Hang on in their lovely. x (adore the new pic of the 3 girls by the way)


  5. teachingtormentsandtidings.over-blog.com says:

    Just love the expressions on the girls' faces in the photo! So glad you had a lovely holiday, there's nothing like a holiday to reconnect as a family and charge up the batteries . . .


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