It’s so sad, I’m laughing

Just when I thought life couldn’t get any harder? It got harder. I feel like I’m on one of those fairground rides – and like most fairground rides, I just want to get off. The one where you walk along the shaking ground and try to keep your balance? That’s what my life feels like right now. Everytime I think I can just step on to the solid ground again, the ride gives me one big shake up and I nearly loose my balance. Last week, after days of my baby being unwell I rushed her to Emergency where she was hospitalised. A week of sleeping on the floor beside her as oxygen breezed up her nose, fluids seeped into her arm, and finally milk was poured down a tube into her stomach left me feeling like I am in some awful parallel universe and I just want to get back to my old life now thank you.

And it was another reminder of how much I miss my mum.. As I nursed my little baby back to health, I needed her to nurse me back to sanity. On the ward was a little baby boy, not more than 4 months old. And in the week I was there, not once did his mother visit him. He broke my heart as he lay alone in his big cot, crying for the comfort that was never going to come his way. And while I feel so bereft that I’ve lost my security blanket, it made me realise how warm my mum has made my life. It made me hold Ruby a little closer, and renewed my determination to protect my girls through life, to be their security blanket too… because the world is a colder place without it..

About Grin & Tonic by Alana Kirk

Bouncing into middle age armed with courage, ambition and a pair of tweezers (chin hairs for anyone over the age of 45 reading this) I am a writer with a mission: to redefine this midway point in my life when the last thing I want to do is hang up my high heels and become invisible. This is the end of the beginning, not the beginning of the end. A single mum to 3 fabulous girls, an author, and a fundraising consultant, both ends of my candle are on fire. As I enter this new stage of my life, I want to explore what it means for 'mid-aged' women today, who were promised they could have it all, ended up doing it all, and just do not identify with the traditional image of middle age.
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7 Responses to It’s so sad, I’m laughing

  1. Foodie Mummy says:

    Oh no. I hope she is ok and you are too. I have noticed the same thing when N. was in hospital. She was 4 months old and I stayed there every single night. Mr Foodie was there first thing in the morning and last thing at night. But there was another baby there about 6 months I'd say who never got any visits either. Nurses were left to look after them. I felt so sad for him. What could be more important than your little one? Why didn't the parents take turns? So many questions. It's just awful. X


  2. Oh! Now you've gone and made me cry. That poor little boy. How can anyone function withone a soft place to fall?? I wonder were his mummy is and why she can't be with him. I, like you, would probably not even leave the hospital!

    I hope little Ruby is doing better now. How hard is it to see our littles ones like that 😦 Hope you get some time to find your feet on stable ground again. Caz


  3. Oh how awful. My daughter spent a week in hospital when she was 4 months old and I remember it well – such a traumatic time. She's fine now. Hope your little girl is on the mend too. I think you've had more than your fair share of trauma over the last few months. Things have to start getting easier now. x


  4. cath c says:

    oh my. is ruby ok now?

    I want to adopt that little boy right now. I hope something good happens for him asap.


  5. cath c says:

    if you wouldn't mind, i would love to send you care package. really. please send snail mail if you would like cookies, etc. you've been through it more than most lately, and i bet could use a little sunshine.


  6. Mary says:

    oh no — I hope Ruby is ok! Sounds like she was quite ill to be in for so long. Are you home now?

    When Oscar was in the NICU for two weeks at birth there were so many babies who were hardly visited. It was so sad…


  7. Dear Alana,

    How is poor little RR now? Hope she is getting stronger and you are managing to get a little bit of rest at home.

    Much love from Rachel xx


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